Shawn Chacon: Neanderthal

The AP is reporting that ineffective Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon will be suspended indefinitely for physically assualting Houston GM Ed Wade. Chacon says: “I sat down to eat and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, ‘You need to come with me to the office,”’ Chacon said. “I said ‘for what?’ I said ‘I don’t want to go to the office with you and Cooper.’ And I said, ‘You can tell me whatever you got to tell me right here.’ He’s like, ‘Oh, you want me to tell you right here?’ And I said, ‘yeah.’ I’m not yelling. I’m calm.” “He started yelling and cussing,” Chacon said of Wade, according to a story on the Chronicle’s Web site. “I’m sitting there and I said to him very calmly, ‘Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, ‘You better stop yelling at me.’ I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling.” Chacon said that after Wade told him he needed to “look in the mirror,” it got worse. “So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him,” he said. “Words were exchanged.” "You better call this a strike, or I'll break your kneecaps!" Way to go, Shawn! Nice example you're setting for all the kids out there. When an older gentleman who happens to sign your checks acts like a jerk, the best way to deal with it is assault him. Forget the fact that you're supposedly an "adult," a "role model (by default)," or a multi-millionaire who should be thanking his lucky stars that he's still in the league. Just go with your baser instincts and grab the guy by the throat. While you're at it, why not kick the chef in the nuts if your stake was overcooked? Look, no one is condoning the actions of Wade: he is obviously a classless fool for allegedly acting the way he did. However, there are more mature ways of dealing with the situatuon. First of all, you don't say "no" to your boss when he wants to talk to you in private--he/she might be doing you a favor by saving you the awkwardness. Secondly, when he allegedly started spewing obscenities, be the bigger person: sit calmly and smile at how childish he is, and let him dig his own grave. Let him look like a baby in front of his peers--that is so much more effective than jumping up like a thug and attacking him physically--because that's all the witnesses will remember in the long run. Imagine how great you would have looked. Don't get me wrong, I know there are certain insults that might make someone boil over--we've all experienced things like that--but according to you, it sounds like he was just "yelling." In addition, we don't know the backstory here: What if it comes to light that you had been insulting him and questioning his judgement as a GM for months in the clubhouse? What if he became aware that you were "dogging it" and doing your teammates a disservice? Heck, if that were true, I would probably throw a few four-letter words your way, too. And by the way, did it ever occur to you that he might be overdoing it to provoke you? Perhaps your sub-par performance this year caused the GM to want you off the team, but he couldn't find a timely excuse? Based on your reaction, it sounds to me like you might not have seen that far ahead. D'oh! Again, I'm by no means cheering Wade's alleged actions here, but come on, Shawn. Grow up. If you do, you might be remembered for your pitching, and not this silly, avoidable incident.

Apple Continues Trumping Windows, Wins Significant Kudos

According to Mac Daily News, Infoworld has released the winners of their coveted 2008 "Technology of the Year Awards." It comes as no surprise that the winner for best Notebook Computer goes to the Apple MacBook Pro. Infoworld claims the "MacBook Pro surpasses all notebooks in both usability and build quality." Furthermore, Mac Daily News goes on to report that Infoworld gave its exalted "Best Operating System" award to none other than OSX Leopard. This should also come as no shock to anyone who enjoys using a computer that actually works well on a regular basis. Not only did it beat out Vista (something a chimp could do), but it's obviously leaps and bounds ahead of Windows XP, which most PC users have downgraded to lately. According to Infoworld, "users gain from Apple's unsurpassed attention to usability and effortless integration from stem to stern. Leopard will change the way you work with computers, entirely for the better." Congratulations, Apple. Someday, Windoze users will wake from their software slumber and enjoy using the computer again. Until then, more for us!

Tequila's Shot Lasts 29 Days

"Is my 15 minutes up yet?" Well, if you needed more proof that reality TV--particularly MTV reality TV--is fake, pull up a chair. Yahoo News is reporting that There will be a second season of "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." According to the report, first season "winner" Bobby Banhart is no longer dating the aforementioned star of the show, Tila Tequila. Ms. Tequila claims that Mr. Banhart "broke up with her" because he couldn't handle her "hectic" schedule. Banhart, on the other hand, said that, "she never called me after the last show and no one would give me her number." Guess who we believe? Any intelligent human knows that reality TV in general is a sign of the apocalypse, but it becomes exponentially worse when the "reality" is not only fake, it doesn't even BOTHER to hide the fact that its fake. I suppose we shouldn't be surprised, considering that MTV seems to revel in the fact that one of their other hit shows, "The Hills," so blatantly dupes it's audience with such a "we-think-you're-idiots-but-you'll-stilll -watch" bravado not seen since ... well, since "The Hills." So it stands to reason that the network should be responsible for yet another slap in the face to it's audience that actually disgraces reality TV. This news isn't shocking for anyone who actually held their dinner down long enough to watch this show--it was about as far from "real" as you can get. But honestly, MTV, can't you at least TRY to make the experience SEEM real? How about maintaining the fake relationship for at least 2-3 months before breaking it off? Or even paying off the poor slob "winner" to keep his trap shut for a few months to give the illusion of dating? I mean, it IS your highest rated show--don;t you think you owe it to your viewers to string them along a tiny bit before setting the table for a new season? Apparently not, because not only did Tequila give Mr. Banhart the cold shoulder the minute the cameras started rolling, MTV was classy enough to circulate a casting call notice for a second season of the show BEFORE the finale! Nice one, guys. Why bother keeping up the facade of reality when you know millions of dolts will tune in to watch this diminutive no-talent freakazoid earn a buck by wearing no clothes and leering at prospective suitors. However, who can argue with success? The show is MTV's most watched since 2005 (a fact that conversely should illuminate how poor the programming has been in the last two years), so a second season was inevitable. The only gripe here is that the network should muster up the collecitve balls to admit the show (and others) is NOT real. Anyone with more than 3 brain cells knows this already, but it wouldn't hurt to enlighten the other 95% of the audience with an admission of fakeness. At least liken the show to something along the lines of the WWE: Something we all know isn't real, but still remains somewhat watchable... perhaps because the WWE doesn't assume we're stupid. Which brings us to another sure sign of the apocalypse: WWE programming becomes less insulting than MTV programming. I think I need a shower after writing that.

Drugless Duff Remains Oddly Popular

In a celebrity world whirling with drugs and impropriety, it's refreshing to see a young, attractive pseudo-ingenue stay somewhat relevant without dabbling in weekend trips to their local rehab center (This means you, Lindsay Lohan!). But such is the case for "sorta pop star, sorta actress" Hilary Duff. Ms. Duff has foregone rabid alcoholism, dangerous automobile accidents and flipping the bird to paparazzi in favor of doing something rather (yawn) normal. Following in her horse-faced sister's footsteps, she's taken the plunge into the almost-seedy world of mass market men's magazines. Ms. Duff graces the cover of the August issue of Maxim Magazine, and struts her stuff for a photo layout inside. Honestly, she looks darn good--although she could use a sandwich or two. But more importantly, it's nice to see a kind of memorable popular starlet choosing conventional methods to stay that way--even if it means posing in a magazine designed for men who can't keep porn around the house and enjoy reading more ads than 1989 issues of Computer Shopper. All sarcasm aside, Hilary Duff should get a medal for choosing this venue for keeping her 15 minutes going. OK, so she's not quite as interesting to read about as Ms. Lohan (heck, I even like Lohan better--rehab or not), but she's continuing to improve her odds of not ending up buying weed in a low-end nightclub and/or being spit out the bottom of the porn industry when she's 40. Good job, Ms. Duff-- we really do mean it.

Rory Sabbatini: Professional Dick

We don't talk about golf too often on this site--possibly due to the fact that many of the readers here could care less about the PGA. That being said, yours truly DOES like golf, so tough luck. In all honestly, this post has little to do with golf itself and more to do with a professional athlete's propensity for being an ass. "Waaah! Waaah! I need to be changed!" The Bridgestone Invitational was held this past weekend at the Firestone Country Club in Akron, Ohio. During the event, South African Pro Rory Sabbatini was quoted as saying Tiger Woods looked "as beatable as ever," apparently smoking crack or some other pharmaceutical. Within hours of the final round, Woods effectively began destroying Sabbatini and the rest of the field with birdie after birdie on the rainy afternoon. Later during the round, a rather vocal member of the gallery following Sabbatini said, "does Tiger still look beatable?" As a response, the always classy Sabbatini whined to an official and had the man removed. To make matters worse, Mr. Sabbatini was later quoted as saying the aforementioned removed fan might have had "too many beers." Way to go, Rory! Nothing epitomizes a lackluster also-ran career in golfing like a three-step program of asshole perfection! First, make a point to bait the best athlete in your sport--a man you couldn't beat in a game of Golden Tee. Second, cry like an infant when someone confronts you with your own arrogant ramblings, and have the person removed for doing nothing illegal--even if it was annoying (sinking to another's level is always mature!). And lastly, don't forget to make comments that border on defamation of character by calling that person a drunk! Great job! Let's be honest: most people have no idea who Rory Sabbatini is, including most members of any random leaderboard in a major event. If Mr. Sabbatini wants attention, perhaps he should work on his game and begin winning some tough championships instead of spouting inane comments like a bush leaguer. On the other hand, maybe you and Sergio Garcia can team up to form some sort of "I wish I was a better golfer" club and go around spitting into golf holes. Neato!

Jordin Sparks Wins 'American Idol'

On Wednesday night, Glendale, AZ native Jordin Sparks became the youngest American Idol in the show's run. The bubbly big-voiced seventeen year old handily beat out her elder rival, Blake Lewis, for the coveted TV crown, ensuring the win with a rousing interpretation of the fan-picked song, "This is My Now" during the show's finale. As previously stated on this site, it was fairly obvious that Ms. Sparks would win. She was undoubtedly more talented than Mr. Lewis (even if she didn't prance around the stage), and, of the final 10 or so contestants, she was the best blend of photo-friendliness and talent. Will this translate into record sales and/or a career for the teen (or for any of the finalistst, for that matter)? Only time will tell. However, the odds seem pretty good that she'll amount to something: The last few seasons have produced a Jazz/Soul niche star (Fantasia), a pop/rock girl with a slight edge (Kelly Clarkson), a country superstar (Carrie Underwood), an adult contemporary soul singer (Taylor Hicks) and a straight-ahead (so-called "dark") rocker (Chris Daughtry). Maybe this is the right time for a younger, straight-ahead pop teen (Of course, that's what Diana DeGarmo thought, too, and it was an effort to even remember her NAME to include in this article). One final note: Yours truly would like to give himself a large, well-deserved pat on the back for knowing weeks ago--during her first audition--that Jordin Sparks would make it to the end of the show, if not win it altogether. True, this crop of contestants wasn't exactly a musician's dream team, so perhaps picking Jordin wasn't quite that difficult. Like I said before, Jordin had the best blend of all the qualities the producers--and America, apparently--wanted, which should have been obvious by the middle of the season. A great voice is key, but it helps to be particularly hot and have an ounce of personality. (Note to Shrek Melinda: You could have at least TRIED to have the latter) Anyhow. What a relief! Having predicted the winner, I can now return to my usual daily scorn of reality shows and how they've contributed to the downfall of our entertainment industry.

Web Sources Predict Sparks is Next 'Idol'

Two popular online "prediction" services have both made their final calls as to who will be this year's "American Idol," and it's Jordin Sparks. As of 3:30 AM EST Zabasearch.com and the more chart-filled DialIdol.com declared that Ms. Sparks should beat out Blake Lewis. For the record, both sites claim to have successfully predicted the last few Idols, DialIdol even allowing users to see the actual stats from last season to prove that point. You might be asking yourself, "how in the hell can they possibly do this?" Good question, padawan. As far Zabasearch, they claim to use a system that tracks a contestant's "buzz" on the web directly following the airing of the show. According to the site, this system of tracking searches was so accurate, that it correctly predicted Chris Daughtry's exit when most other outlets thought otherwise. As of this posting, Zabasearch predicts Jordin will win, even though voting "narrowed" towards the end. DialIdol.com, on the other hand, uses a more involved phone-based tracking system that measures the busy signals being received when calling to vote for a particular contestant. These measurements are then fed through a fancy-schmantzy algorithm. The contestant with the "most calls"--or most frequent busy signals--is predicted to win. Since it's inception, the site has predicted "every winner of every show." At 3:30 AM EST, Jordin Sparks was in front by a good margin. All scientific mumbo-jumbo aside, the truth of the matter is that Jordin Sparks obviously deserves to win. She is by far the more talented of the two, and will be much easier to market as an "idol." Blake, while interesting and charismatic, suffers from having terribly weak pipes. His schtick of beat-boxing wears thin after about 30 seconds, and without it, his voice reaches a somnambulist quality that really shouldn't be present at this point in the contest. Truthfully, he should have been eliminated by now, but luck and personality were on his side. If Blake's lack of ability wasn't obvious during the last few weeks, it became painfully so during the third performance, when both singers had to take a crack at a sickeningly sappy cheesfest Idol "single" song. Blake's interpretation? Don't botehr trying at all, and instead destroy the song systematically note for note, until it fell to the ground in a flaming heap. Jordin, on the other hand, elevated the song to near listenable quality, breathing life into what will undoubtedly be a Disney closing credits someday. Long story short, Jordin rose to the performance, and Blake sucked. Around the web, many fans (especially those who frequent Zabasearch AND DialIdol) have claimed that the song choice was "unfair," since it was not something Blake Lewis could have possibly succeeded at--Conspiracy! What these numbskulls fail to realize is that the song that was hosen was chosen BY THE VOTERS, not the producers. And let's be honest: the "single" song is always been a sappy over-the-top number that would make Michael Bolton cringe. Prospective Idols should expect they'll have to sing something painfully smarmy every year, and a talented performer would know how to adapt. As I stated in an earlier post, I have avoided American Idol like the plague for the past few years. However, even I was sucked into the whirlwind of pop culture insanity and crack-like addiction the show produces. I put up a good fight, but every man has a breaking point, apparently. That being said, I latched on to Jordin since her audition. Keeping the concept of the show in mind--the search for a pop idol (not an adult contempo yawnfest singer... sorry Shrek Melinda Doolittle)--she's always had the best combination of marketibility, good looks and actual talent/singing ability. Now, don't get me wrong--I'm not saying I predicted she'd win, but I had a feeling she'd make it to the end. Who knew? There's a weird sense of virtual fulfillment you get when someone you've chosen actually might win a reality show--somewhere between the high of illegal pharmecueticals and that feeling you get when you have exact change. Weird or not, I have to admit, it's not too shabby. That being said, I still refuse to watch Survivor, those 5 "chef" shows, the two retarded "dancing" shows and that questionable "filmmaker" show. Let's not push it. I need time in my schedule to watch Family Guy.

Ads That Annoy: Kia Koncedes to Kickin'

Stands for "Kickin' Insurmountable Ass!" Watch TV much? Well, if you're like me, you watch too much--and probably at night. In addition, you probably "latch on" to a favorite group of channels for your daily TV fix--which means you undoubtedly see the same cache of commercials every night as well. True, this can be a good thing (if you really get an unhealthy kick out of those prolific Geico "caveman" ads.), but, in most cases, it sucks. However, suck or not, it does give you a rather unique perspective on TV ads, in as much as you have the advantage over most people when it comes to frequency of viewership. With that in mind, yours truly finds that, from time to time, certain commercials need to be investigated, dissected, mocked and--usually--throttled unmercifully. Welcome to "Ads That Annoy." This installment takes a look at the most recent offering from KIA Motors. First of all, let's begin by stating KIA makes a fine product and has much to offer the prospective buyer. This, however, apparently does not make the company immune to being really dumb (technical term). In their most recent commercials, we are presented with two rather youngish male office workers who are talking to eachother after the close of what seems to be an electrifying business meeting. Guy 2 has really knocked them dead, apparently: Guy 1: "Hey man, you were awesome! Have you been takin' Karate?!?" Guy 2: (smiling) "No!" Guy 2: (TO HIMSELF) "But I DID get a kick-ass deal at Kia recently!" To be honest, I didn't really think there was anything all that bad with this exchange--even though I must admit I was shocked Kia went for the "ass," since they really aren't the epitome of "hip." Unfortunately, I must have been alone in that opinion, because Kia immediately pulled that exchange, and with days, it went something like this: Guy 1: "Hey man, you were awesome! Have you been eating more fiber?!?" Guy 2: (smiling) "No!" Guy 2: (TO HIMSELF) "But I DID get a great deal at Kia recently!" Umm... ok! Apparently, Kia felt that ease of digestion is less offensive than "kicking ass." To each their own. Obviously some tightass responsible parent out there got all riled up and felt that a word they use in their household 175 times a day was too much to have in a car commercial. Admittedly, it's actually kind of funny--especially if no one has seen the original. But it doesn't end there, because within a few more days, the exchange was finally changed to: Guy 1: "Hey man, you were awesome! Have you been takin' karate?!?" Guy 2: (smiling) "No!" Guy 2: (TO HIMSELF) "But I DID get a kickin' at Kia recently!" This means the advertising experts at Kia used the "fiber" version as a stopgap solution whilst they sat around deciding how to fix the marginally less funny "karate" option. Not only does this result in viewer confusion, but it also leaves us with a rather dull pun that rivals any given exhcange from a mid-90's "Full House" script. The first version was cool because it flouted society's conventions. The second was just plain mildly amusing. This version sucks. So what we have here is a company that should be chided on two fronts: First of all, they've kowtowed to pressure from self-proclaimed do-gooders. Secondly (and even more annoyingly), they've rectified the issue by making the commercial forgettable. News Flash: Commercials are supposed to make people REMEMBER the brand. Let's face it--car commercials are like water content in the human body: They basically make up 80-90% of commecials nowadays. You need any edge you can get to help your company stand out, and Kia just lost theirs. A good warranty and funky car names ("Sephia," "Sportage") can only get you so far. Better get those heads together at the next ad meeting, Kia: you don't want to end up like Buick. Yea, they still sell cars.

Who DOESN'T Like 'Strong Brutal Violence Throughout?'

Next, the path to home video! Ah, the lazy, gray, boring, transitional days of early Spring. Days filled with terrible weather, nauseating hockey playoffs, Sanjaya Malakar and--last but not least--bargain-bin movies that distributors remove from their trashcans and toss into theaters hoping the unsuspecting public might pay to see them. You know the movies we're talking about: those ones that couldn't POSSIBLY survive the holiday months of winter or the blockbuster-laden months of summer. The films with relatively blah plots, 3rd-tier actors, been-there-done-that hooks and an overall disregard for the filmmaking process altogether. Save for September, this is quite possibly the worst time of the year for movies--a fact made all too apparent by the flood of ads on TV for said forgettable, throwaway films. Enter the film "Pathfinder"-- a loud, violent, apparently historical action film supposedly based on a niche comic book property from Dark Horse Comics. If you haven't seen the trailer (and really, who has?), the movie chronicles the legend of a viking boy left behind in North America who is taken in by Native Americans. Upon reaching manhood (or a reasonable facsmilie thereof), he switches sides and becomes the defender of said Native Americans against his former Viking brethren. Yippee! This is definitely a plotline we've never seen before. Unfortunately, this confoundingly simple premise is never really mentioned in the sparse television ads for the film. Instead, the viewer is treated to the obligatory quick cuts of slashing, forests, manly grunting and really ham-fisted voiceovers: "Those who LIVE by the sword... (pause) DIE by the sword!" Wow! That's original! As if that wasn't enough, the entire film looks as if it was shot through some "I-wish-this-was-300-or-gladiator" filter the director picked up at Target. The best part, however, is saved until the closing seconds of the ad. Apparently, the producers--painfully aware that the film would struggle to sell 10 tickets--chose one of those "hail mary" desperation moves that many movie commercials use: I like to call it the MPAA highlighter tactic. As the ad ends, the narrator states, "Rated R for Strong Brutal Violence Throughout." Ah ha! Well that's definitely getting me into the theater! Apparently, the lack of interesting plot and cookie-cutter action won't be enough to garner interest, so why not EXPLICITLY state the reason the film has an "R" rating? I mean, it's obviously TRUE, so there's no chance of false advertising! And just in case anyone's confused as to what TYPE of voilence we're talking about, make no mistake: this is that "strong" and "brutal" violence--not that "watered-down" and "cutesy" violence of other films. And, you can bet your last dollar that it's happening "throughout" the film--not just for 20 minutes or something like that. You've got wall-to-wall R-rating justification, people, so shell out your 10 bucks! I mean, really. What the hell is this all about? I'll tell you what: DESPERATION. Only a film that has absolutely NOTHING to offer the viewer has to point the proverbial magnifying glass over the ratings box to get fannies in the seats. Honestly--have you ever seen a GOOD movie pulling this stunt? What about an AVERAGE movie? No. This tactic is saved for that select few cinematic masterpeices that cater to the lowest common denominator--most of which are actually too smart to fall for it. The recent flood of throwaway horror films is even employing this strategy: "rated R for disturbing imagery and frightening sequences." No shit? I thought I was paying to see a sequel to "March of the Penguins," you dumbass. It's about time we nip this desperate trend in the bud, before it goes too far. If we show that this concept results in the slightest success and/or additional revenue, how far are we from commercials for the next animated film that state, "rated G for extreme good humor and fun feelings throughout?" Take a stand against these producers/distributors by avoiding films like "Pathfinder" (something most intelligent people will do anyway). Before long, they might actually take the hint and realize that any film that needs to use it's rating to sell tickets belongs on the straight-to-video shelf, instead of taking valuable screens away from genuine attempts at filmmaking like "Wild Hogs." FYI, that last sentence contained sarcasm. It was strong. It was brutal. And it was throughout. Damn right.

Analyst: Mac sales growth continues to exceed rate of PC sales growth

Mackworld UK is reporting that Apple, Inc. cotinues to exceed sales expectations as made evident by it's most recent fincancial quarter--the numbers for which will be revealed on April 25. Jonny Evans reports: "Apple's customers are choosing the better-featured (and more expensive) Mac configurations, and predicts 1.5 million Mac sales in the current quarter. Mac sales growth continues to exceed the rate of PC sales growth," Evans reports. "iPod sales seem set to meet 10.5 million units the analyst said, noting Apple as 'outperform' and offering a target stock price of $130 per share." As if that wasn't enough good news during this normally eneventful quarter, AppleInsider goes on to say that Apple's figures not only stood firm during Microsoft's recent ho-hum launch of Vista, they actually continued to rise. Aidan Malley reports: "In a research note issued to investors, Morgan Stanley analyst Kathryn Huberty advised readers that Apple was the healthiest PC vendor during the first two months of the new year... While virtually every vendor of Windows PCs depended on the Vista-related sales surge in February to make up for a lackluster first month, Apple continued its march forward seemingly untouched by Vista's presence: the number of Macs shipped to the same business and retail buyers grew by 71 percent year-over-year in January and a nearly identical 72 percent in February... Apple also took an 8 percent share of this particular market, compared to 6 percent a year ago -- boding especially well for the still modestly sized Mac maker in the face of resurgent competition. Some assumed the company would lose ground to Vista as it had with prior Windows updates." Of course, this isn't exactly news that would necessarily tirn the industry on it's ear, but it does indeed "bode well" for Apple, Inc. Normally, Apple's 2nd quarter is usually it's weakest, so this all remains to be seen--but in the long run, regardless of quarter-specific numbers, Apple has not flinched in the face of Microsoft's new launches. True, Vista wouldn't have a "direct" impact on Mac sales, per see, but the fact that Mac sales rose implies that people are becoming more and more aware of an alternative to Windows--and that's certainly not a bad thing. Oh yea... the Zune isn't doing to well either. But that's not really news.